The process of change in oneself doesn't look or feel linear. What that means is, that change in oneself might feel like you are orbiting the Sun, the Sun being lets say metaphorically the truth of oneself, of life, the reality of things.
So at times one is farther away from one's own true self and that might feel like one is living under a cloud, or that one cant see things for what they are. Everything that one goes through seems to be marred by intense emotions or mental distortions which means things don't reach us how they truly are. One might wonder, “why do i do that” , “this isn't helpful and yet”. Well the mind tries to shield us essentially from any sort of pain. But doing that inevitably causes more pain for it robs us of seeing things how they really are and instead we might feel trapped or stuck in ourselves. Somewhere one desires to feel fuller, livelier but these distortions or pain avoidant mechanism block not only the painful experience but also the good experiences.
Other times, one might feel closer to understanding oneself in our full complexity , which doesn't feel as overwhelming or unbearable to sit with. This can feel like an ‘aha’ moment or a silent sense of calm that outwardly nothing has changed much but inwardly things feel a lot more calmer. Or that when you view the same things, events, people as before, it reaches you differently.
And the process of change is dynamic, one keeps moving back and forth, closer and farther away but even in all this confusing non-linear movement, a change in oneself happens bit by bit. It can feel like a subtle but stable shift in how one relates to oneself and others.
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